My Favorite Schwartz


I recently tweeted saxophonist Anton Schwartz that next to Bermuda and Delmore, he was my favorite Schwartz. He replied and commented that he had not heard of Delmore Schwartz, but was more than familiar with Bermuda Schwartz. Dr. Bermuda Schwartz? Wasn’t he the inventor of Hushaboom, the silent explosive? You are darn tootin’ lad. The very same. It was from the Banana Formula Saga in Season 4. You see, Bullwinkle J. Moose could remember everything he ate! It was his one talent, actually. So, when Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale tried to steal the formula for Hushaboom from Dr. Bermuda Schwartz, who had written it on a banana . . .

    • Bermuda Schwartz(hears a knock on door) Who’s there?
      Boris(disguised as a woman) Bermuda, baby, it’s I’m.
      Bermuda Schwartz: I know that, but who are you?
      Boris: Bermy, boy. You don’t know your own mother?
      Bermuda Schwartz: Mommy! Come in, Mommy! Tell me where you got the mustache.

    • Boris: Hey, you wanna sell me this fruit cart?
      Proprietor(with accent) Sure, that’ll cost you $50,000.
      Boris: $50,000? You out of your mind?
      Proprietor: You got-a no choice. You gotta buy it.
      Natasha: We do?
      Proprietor: You in bad trouble. You stole a formula from a Professor Schwartz and now you got-a hid from a moose and a squirrel.
      Boris: Hey, how come you know all this?
      Proprietor: Eh, what do you think? I don’t watch the Bullwinkle Show?
      Boris: Well, I got no choice. I gotta hand it to you.
      Proprietor: Okay, let-a me have it.
      (Boris hits the proprietor on the head, knocking him out)
      Natasha: Boris, he trusted you!
      Boris: Yes, apparently he doesn’t watch the show regularly.

    • (Boris had just written the Hushaboom formula on a banana and hid it in a fruit cart)
      Bullwinkle: Say, I’d sure like a banana right now. How much are they?
      Boris: B-B-B-Bananas?
      Bullwinkle: Yeah.
      Boris: We have no bananas today.
      Bullwinkle: Say, that’d make a great song title.
      Rocky(points to a stack of bananas) Those are bananas right there.
      Bullwinkle: Yeah. How much?
      Boris: They’re not for sale.
      Bullwinkle: Aw, come on. I’ll give you a quarter for one.
      Boris: No.
      Bullwinkle: 50 cents?
      Rocky: Bullwinkle, that’s too much.
      Bullwinkle: A dollar!
      Boris: Well…
      Natasha: Boris, no!
      Bullwinkle: Two dollars!
      Rocky: Bullwinkle, no!
      Boris: It’s a deal!
      Natasha: Boris, no!
      Bullwinkle: Pay the man the two dollars, Rock.
      Narrator: And Bullwinkle walked off munching a two dollar banana containing a million dollar formula.
      Rocky: How does it taste?
      Bullwinkle: Expensive.
      Natasha: Boris, how could you do such a thing?
      Boris: I didn’t want to. He took advantage of my crooked nature.

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